Sandra Vaughan grew up believing her self-worth depended on her body size. She spent years struggling to get skinny. As she "sorts through the cold hard facts of trying to measure up to an impossible standard, one constant truth shines through: all fat chicks are crazy, even the skinny ones." Sandra is a funny, cheerful, woman I've known for many years. It's hard to imagine behind that friendly smile and robust laugh lies a woman who struggled with her self-esteem– a woman "smiling on the outside, but thoroughly lost on the inside."

In her book, Monster in Her Mirror, she tells with humor her struggles with Trickster– That Psychological Voice of Not-Good Enough– trying to tear her down at every opportunity when she sees "The monster in the mirror she fears most: a Fat Chick!" In her mad struggle to get skinny, she tries to find the perfect example by comparing herself to other women, while Trickster constantly stalks her, waiting for her to fail. She eventually defeats her life-long obsession with fat when she stops asking, "What's wrong with me?" and breaks the illusion by asking, "What's right with me?"

If you've ever struggled to find "What's right with me?" read Sandra Vaughan's memoir– Monster in Her Mirror The first five chapters are a free download– written by a woman who's been there and wants to guide other women who are "smiling on the outside, but thoroughly lost on the inside."

Molly Brown, DMS

"Undress Your Stress" is on my other blog, Lyn's Circle.

If you're struggling financially and considering bankruptcy, you need to learn as much as you can before taking this serious step. The bankruptcy law changed in 2005 making it harder to qualify for Chapter 7 bankruptcy where you were not required to pay your debts. Most people today must file Chapter 13 bankruptcy and have the court set up a monthly payment schedule to partially repay your creditors over a three to five year period.

Bankruptcy will appear on your credit report 10 years. This report will pop up not only every time you apply for credit, but when you apply for a job or promotion, insure your home or car, or rent a home or apartment. If you feel bankruptcy is your only option, at least go into it with your eyes open.

I am not a credit counselor or financial expert. I think I'm doing well to keep my own finances more or less under control. I wouldn't attempt to offer any advice other than to protect your backside and think ahead to those ten long years of higher interest rates, higher insurance costs, and possibly that great job or promotion that will slip away.

Ken and Daria Dolan are experts. Their article "When Bankruptcy is Your Best Option" explains Chapter 7 and Chapter 13 bankruptcy. If you're struggling financially and considering bankruptcy, learn as much as you can. Then, make the decision that's best for you and your family.

Molly Brown, DMS

"Alzheimer's Unseen Victims" is posted on my other blog, Lyn's Circle

Lisa Bennets thinks women put themselves and their children at risk by not working. In her book The Feminine Mistake: Are We giving Up Too Much? She argues women should not quit their careers once they get married and have children.

Bennets interviews women who have been out of the work force for a decade or more whose husbands left them for a younger woman, or decided they "weren't happy anymore." She points out the alimony, if any, women receive is now called "rehabilitative alimony." because the courts expect women to work. Of the many women interviewed, stay at home moms, those who were stay at home moms whose husbands either left or died, and working women, she found working women were the happiest and healthiest. Without an income of their own, women were often trapped in the marriage with little freedom of financial choice. Even in happy marriages, women who stayed home were treated more like children than partners and had little say about the finances. Working women with their own income were more likely to be treated as equal partners.

Bennets found even if the choice to be a stay at home mom is temporary, it is often difficult for women to resume a professional career after dropping out of the work force. If the husband has left or become disabled, the woman has put herself and her children at risk by not working.

It's never an easy choice with young children. It' never easy if the choice is to continue working. In most marriages where both parents work, men rarely do half of the housework. If you're considering leaving the work force, read The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? Even if he's a great guy, life can turn on you in a hurry. Keep control of your life– a man is not a financial plan.

Molly Brown, DMS

"Headed Under the Knife" is on my other blog, Lyn's Circle.

Feminists and The New Agenda want fair pay for women. Rep. Rosa DeLauro, a strong fair-pay advocate who first introduced
The Paycheck Fairness Act 12 years ago, recently reminded us that women still earn 78 cents for every dollar earned by men in the same job. "It's time to close the wage gap," she said.

We talk about wage gaps and glass ceilings today. During WWII, when women were needed to fill jobs formerly held by men, they put up with wage discrimination AND job discrimination.
This is part of a July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. Written for male supervisors of women, it offers these tips for hiring and increasing job performance with women employees:

1) Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it.

2) When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy.

3) General experience indicates that "husky" girls– those who are just a little on the heavy side– are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4) Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination– one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5) Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work for themselves.

6) Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

7) Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

8) Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do.

9) Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

Thank you, Rep. Rosa DeLauro and all those uppity feminists before you.

Often cantankerous and fussy,

Molly Brown, DMS

"Becoming the Parent of Your Parent" is posted on my other blog, Lyn's Circle.

Lending Money to Family and Friends

When I was young, crawling through college and raising two sons, every Wednesday I'd borrow $20 from my father for groceries and pay that $20 back on Friday. A railroad employee, his seniority number was low. He was on unemployment at that time– another recession. That $20 meant a lot to both of us. Several years later, illness on his end and a college education on my end changed the balance of money between us. I bought a small home for my parents. My sister, who never got the money thing figured out, often borrowed money from our parents– her car broke down, her furnace needed repairs, her credit cards were too high. She always had good intentions, but never repaid them. My parents had little and went without to help her while I paid the mortgage on their home. They complained about her spending habits, but continued to loan her money. Loaning money to relatives can often cause resentment.

Loaning money to friends can also blow up in your face. I loaned money to a co-worker going through a divorce. She was my friend. When she couldn't or wouldn't pay me back, she began avoiding me. She later moved. Around ten years later, I received a check in the mail with a thank you note. This was a very small amount of money. It still damaged a friendship.

These are hard financial times. You might be asked by a friend or family member for a loan. If you make the loan and it isn't repaid, it can jeopardize your relationship. Be honest from the start. If you think they'll never repay you, let them know it's a one time only gift.

Many blended families have his, her, and our kids. There's bound to be one kid who lives in constant financial chaos. If that one is yours and you slip money on the sly it will cause problems with your partner.

Don't loan or give money if it will hurt you financially. You don't want to jeopardize your own finances. It's really not that hard to say, "Sorry. I can't afford it." Many women are worried about spending their retirement years in poverty. You don't want to be one of those women living on the edge because you were too generous to family and friends who couldn't or wouldn't pay you back.

Molly Brown, DMS

"Avoiding Caregiver Isolation and Monotony" is posted on my other blog, Lyn's Circle.

Prenups Aren’t Just for the Rich and Famous

Who had a prenup when they married, Britney Spears or Paul McCartney? Score one if you chose the blonde bubblehead over the savvy billionaire Brit. Paul McCartney lost $50 million to his ex-wife Heather Mills in their March 2008 divorce court battle. But Britney’s preplanning paid off: she paid just $300,000 to shed Kevin, leaving her with hundreds of millions to party with.

Prenups aren’t only for the rich and famous. There is an increase in prenups initiated by female business owners and professionals with high-paying jobs.

Prenups can help ease the financial tensions associated with any marriage, no matter what the size of the bank accounts involved. It’s a good idea to exchange personal financial statements anyway, so there aren’t any surprises.

Prenuptial agreements outline the division of assets and financial responsibilities in the event of divorce, separation or death of either spouse. And they don’t have to be executed before the marriage, either. When The Donald divorced Ivana (or was it the other way around?) they had already executed three post-nuptial agreements during their tumultuous marriage.

Consider a prenup if one of you owns a business, or one of you has more wealth than the other. If you have children by prior relationships, a prenup should define inheritance rights for your patchwork family. Even if your marriage lasts until death do you part, it will keep the children from squabbling about the assets you leave behind.

A pre-nup or post-nup can be used for a specific purpose. It can provide for compensation to the partner who put the other through school or who abandoned their career to raise the children. It is rumored that Jane Fonda received $6 million when she married Ted Turner and gave up her career as an actress and fitness guru.

A prenup will set you back a few thousand dollars for attorneys for each of you. Typically one lawyer writes the contract, and the other lawyer reviews it and suggests changes. Execute the agreement several months before the marriage, since an agreement signed on the eve of the wedding may be overturned if challenged in court.

Money disputes between newlyweds are increasingly problematic, so set romance aside for a few hours while you and your future spouse discuss tough financial questions and put your agreement in writing when you are entering your marriage and still communicating lovingly. After all, you aren’t just uniting your lives emotionally: you are also combining estates. You don’t want to destroy a family business or personal relationships over a failure to plan.

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Prenups Aren’t Just for the Rich and Famous was originally posted on wife.org. The Women’s Institute for Financial Education (WIFE) is a non-profit organization "dedicated to providing financial education to women in their quest for financial independence."

Molly Brown, DMS

"A Nation Obsessed with Waistline Worries" is posted on Lyn'.s Circle
 

As recently as 20 years ago, cancer was seldom talked about within families or among friends. At best, a person diagnosed with cancer was referred to as someone having "the big C." Just saying the word cancer carried with it the fear of its being contagious. Mental illness, I’m sadder to admit, carries an even worse stigma, one that keeps many people in denial, living with shame, suffering from guilt, and immobilized to seek help – even today – when help is available.

In the 1940s and 50s when I grew up with a mother who suffered from Major Depressive Disorder, I knew that: "Whenever Mother wasn’t herself, Father drew the blinds shut to prevent people from seeing in, but the turbulence that followed her from room to room weighed heavily upon each of us." (Chapter 12, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A PSYCHOTHERAPIST’S JOURNEY INTO AND BEYOND HER MOTHER’S MENTAL ILLNESS). I knew that before the age of ten and as a psychotherapist, wife, mother and grandmother, I know now that no one ever benefits from pretending to shut the world out or from shutting themselves inside pretending others don’t know that they’re there.

In large part, I am writing this blog in response to a recent topic addressed by Lynn Harris in "WEDNESDAY’S WOMAN." In it, she identifies a problem she feels is prevalent in many marriages: the difficulty of MEN AND MONEY. She cautions women about the necessity to be in charge of their own assets and implies that women are frequently at the mercy of men who equate money with power, who spend or over-spend secretly, even at the expense of their family’s well-being. She goes on, half-jokingly, to suggest that it is also not a good idea to marry anyone who is "bi-polar" (a condition formerly referred to as manic depression) and for that she received questions about why she said it as well as slack for having said it.

I think she did us all a favor by bringing the issue out into the open. The issue as I see it is not merely the importance for couples to discuss how they relate to money before they commit to marriage. Whether one is stingy or spends beyond one’s means is not the root problem, though it may, in fact cause many problems. The real issue is understanding how they manage life, in general: how they problem solve, how much they are willing and/or able to share in daily household responsibilities, and whether or not they are serious about a commitment to having children and then being an active participant in their development. Not least of all, each partner must be willing to be honest about how he or she copes with any psychological or physical illnesses each may have.

What’s important is not to avoid marrying anyone (as one writer seemed concerned about doing) because he or she has an admitted diagnosis for a known condition but rather to be fully aware of the ramifications of that condition and how it will effect the couple and any children they may choose to have. Also, it’s of utmost importance to know whether any person with a known "condition" is being treated and whether or not he has been compliant when medications were prescribed as being a part of the treatment plan.

I recall an inspiring article in the New York Times, Sunday, August 16th, in which the groom admitted to having Tourettes’ Syndrome after only a few dates. He felt himself falling in love and wished to spare himself and the woman from any unnecessary grief should she wish to walk away. Clearly, she was already smitten and learned how to best accept and adjust to his problem. He was receiving proper treatment and was compliant with his medications.

Referring back to Lynn's article, a reader expressed concern about confronting her fiancé with the possibility of his being bi-polar. During times when he was feeling beyond enthusiastic, she felt it was all too easy to go along for the ride. Yet, given his alleged history of erratic spending and symptoms of grandiosity, Harris is correct in cautioning the woman in such a case and describing her predicament as being one when "a woman’s pocket book is at risk!"

The bottom line is that none of us is perfect. There isn’t a family that doesn’t have a skeleton or two in its closet. Yet, a healthy relationship must be one in which honesty is a primary priority, for honesty and loyalty are the best prescriptions for sustaining respect and love in any relationship.

And though I could spend pages describing the signs and symptoms of most psychiatric disorders – from the various stages of depression and anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders, the various chemical and non chemical addictions to cases of schizophrenia and then some, I think it best for now to simply say that I am happy to respond to any specific concerns you may have and will then suggest treatment modalities as well as professional health care providers who can best assist you.

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Relationships can be like that little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead: When they're good, they're very, very, good, but when they're bad, they're horrid. If the man in your life can't handle his money, it will be beyond horrid.

My friend recently found her husband had several credit cards she knew nothing about– the bills were sent to his office. Her name appears on the cards and she lives in a community property state. She's just now untangling the mess. Another friend's husband surprised her with a fancy new boat he bought with their joint bank account. She some how is the bad person because she wants to spoil his fun. Not too long ago, he bought a pickup from that same account without telling her first. I'm not sure where either of these relationships are headed– from the sound of the yelling, not far. The divorce lawyers will divide up anything left.

Both of my friends are married. That muddies the money situation. If you're not legally responsible for his poor judgment, don't fall into the pity trap and try to bail him out– or finance his next wild adventure. If the guy in your life is bi-polar, beware. Erratic spending occurs when they're on a high. When that high wears off and they're riding the down cycle into the depths of depression, the bills in the mailbox will push them deeper into depression.

It is possible to have a good relationship with a man with bizarre spending habits. They can make good lovers and good companions. Just don't expect them to be reliable. And keep your finances separate.

Molly Brown, DMS

"Hillary, Sarah, & the Washington Post" is on my other blog, Lyn's Circle.

.Is money a sign of power or control in your relationships?
.Do you regularly put off budgeting? Saving? Investing?
.Do you use money to boost your self-esteem?
.Does the "rush" of making a purchase drive your spending?
.When growing up, did the subject of money or budgeting start arguments?

Money gives women power. Money allows them more choices. There is a "wage gap" between men and women and it will probably continue.

In the Politics of American Feminism, Professor James T. Bennet suggests several reasons women lag behind in the "wage gap". Some of the reasons are:

1) Men tend to take hazardous jobs that pay more.
2) Men are more likely to take more stressful jobs.
3) Many women prefer jobs with personal fulfillment to higher paying jobs.
4) Women prefer "nine to five" jobs and jobs which pay less.
5) Men usually work more overtime.
6) Men are more willing to take a job that requires travel or a long commute distance.
7) Women often drop out of work for family reasons and place a higher value on flexibility, a good work environment and time for children and family.

I can go right down that list and not argue. I chose and stayed with a job so the hours blended with my family's hours. The choice worked for me. I enjoyed the time with my two sons. When one died a few years back, I didn't have the regret, "I wish I'd spent more time with him."

I don't argue with Bennet that women lag behind because they often put familly first. But, once the kids are grown, women are ready to hit the road running while many men are slowing down and burning out. In my own family, Marci, manages a travel agency for a national company. She's turned down promotions and travels only occasionally so she can keep an eye on the last teenager at home. That last one graduated in June. Watch out world– here comes one more woman charging for the money and power. Marci is close to both her girls. Poorer for the choice to spend more time with them. Richer with two girls who will always be just a phone call away and really care about what mom thinks.

Once the kids are raised, women are choosing to return to school to upgrade their skills or move up the promotion ladder. They have many years ahead to earn that extra money that slides them into a better retirement option and build up their savings. If they jump into the job force early and put career ahead of family– fine. If they lay back and wait for the family to fly away then chase that career– fine. We do have a choice. That's the choice in feminism we need to worry about.

Molly Brown, DMS

"Fat, Skinny, or Qualified" is posted on my other blog, Lyn's Circle.

Yes, you are."

To Be Continued

Molly Brown, DMS

My other blog, Lyn's Circle posted "Advancing Women in Leadership Roles"