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It's time to dust off my broom and stir up the what is a feminist topic again. I received a link to an article "Yes You Are" originally posted on Tomato Nation. It's longer than my normal post, so I'll break it up. "Yes You Are" posted on September 30, 2003 and says much better than I ever can that feminism isn't a one-size-fits-all girdle we can stuff any woman into.
feminism n (1895) 1 : the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes 2 : organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests -- feminist n or adj -- feministic adj
Above, the dictionary definition of feminism -- the entire dictionary definition of feminism. It is quite straightforward and concise. If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.
Yes, you are.
The definition of feminism does not ask for two forms of photo ID. It does not care what you look like. It does not care what color skin you have, or whether that skin is clear, or how much you weigh, or what you do with your hair. You can bite your nails, or you can get them done once a week. You can spend two hours on your makeup, or five minutes, or the time it takes to find a Chapstick without any lint sticking to it. You can rock a cord mini, or khakis, or a sari, and you can layer all three. The definition of feminism does not include a mandatory leg-hair check; wax on, wax off, whatever you want. If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.
Yes, you are.
The definition of feminism does not mention a membership fee or a graduated tax or "…unless you got your phone turned off by mistake." Rockefellers, the homeless, bad credit, no credit, no problem. If you believe in, support, look fondly on, hope for, and/or work towards equality of the sexes, you are a feminist.
Yes, you are."
To Be Continued
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle posted "Advancing Women in Leadership Roles"
I've considered myself a feminist for many years. Lately, I've been wondering what in the world a feminist really is. I'm part of what some refer to as the "Second Wave Feminists"– those women of the 70's who smelled of scorched bras.
At a meeting in my small town during the 70's, I was giving a talk about one of our pharmaceutical companies sending defective IUDs, which they were unable to sell in the US, to Latin America. These IUDs killed many women. In the middle of my talk, a local doctor grabbed my surprised husband by the tie, punched him in the face, and shouted, "Why do you allow your wife to read such trash?" Things settled down and the doctor was asked to leave, but not before he stuck his flabby red face near mine and snarled, "All you feminists are ugly." by then, I'd forgotten what I was talking about, so I said in my smart alecky way, "I thought I looked pretty snazzy." (I always liked nice clothes and was too cheap to burn any part of my wardrobe so I didn't smell scorched or saggy that night.) " "You're all ugly inside. You're the worst thing that's ever happened to this country," he yelled at me as they ushered him out the door.
My feminist ideas in the 70's weren't much different than today: Women have a right to good health care, education, and job opportunities.
According to a recent study by the World Economic Forum, educational gender gaps are closing. Today, there are more women in higher education and specialty fields and women account for 60% of undergraduate and master's degree enrollment. But, women's health and life expectancy are dropping worldwide. And, the economic wage gap of the 70's is still present. Women's estimated average annual earnings are $25,000. Men's are $40,000.
Can you pick a feminist out in a crowded room today? I doubt it– unless they're giving a speech on defective IUDs. Feminists come in all shapes and ages. They don't usually dress funny– unless they're running around their own house. And they don't think the same on all issues. Chances are though, they all believe in a women's right to good health care, education, and job opportunities, and they don't like small minded men who think they're ugly inside because they dare speak out about injustice in the world.
Are you a feminist? Why?
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle is about The New Agenda.
It's never too late to find your dream. There is life after tampons. It's your time to please yourself instead of everyone around you– your parents, your children, the men in your life. Pleasing is a hard habit to break. As women we were trained early to put others first. But now, it's your turn to chase that dream you lost while pleasing others.
You'll probably upset those around you who have always relied on Old Faithful You. "She's going through the change," they'll whisper behind your back– and you will be. A good change that benefits you, if you don't let those around you bully or put a guilt trip on you.
If you have family and friends encouraging you to go for that dream– lucky you. Don't let fear of failure hold you back.
As George Eliot told us:
"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
Did you lose a dream along the way?
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is about "Every Woman Should Have"
Ex-cop Drew Peterson is currently in jail. His third wife, Kathleen Savio died under mysterious circumstances. Before her death, there were eighteen domestic violence related calls to the Bollingbrook Police Department. A lawsuit filed by her family alleges Peterson went to her house to “brutally...stalk, attack, repeatedly beat, then drown, decedent Kathleen Savio.” Stacy Peterson, his twenty-three-year old fourth wife, disappeared. Before her disappearance, Peterson kept her under surveillance by tracking her with GPS on her cell phone. Friends and former women in Peterson’s life say he was controlling, jealous, and possessive. Ex-cop Bobby Cutts, Jr. murdered Jessie Davis then hid her body in a park. She was nine months pregnant with his child. He also had a history of domestic violence.
If your abuser is a police officer, the police “code of silence” may put you at increased risk. Within many police departments, there is no standard policy for domestic violence. The police may look the other way when the abuser is one of their own. You may be advised not to sign a complaint because you’ll harm his career and jeopardize your family. Some departments call a supervisor to the scene. Others don’t. If you seek safety at a shelter, the police know where the shelters are located. If you leave the area, your abuser can track you through bank records, school records, credit reports, and phone records of your family and friends. If you have children and plan to leave the state, you may be charged with child abduction. Your domestic violence safety plan must be well prepared. You need a domestic violence advocate or experienced attorney.
If your abuser is the police, contact Diane Westendorf at Abuse of Power. An independent advocate specializing in police-perpetrated domestic violence, she understands your unique situation and can help you stay safe. Your abuser is trained in surveillance. Do not use your home computer. Go to a library or other safe source, or call (800) 903 0111.
There are many forms of abuse including interrogation, intimidation, and surveillance. No one deserves to be abused.
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle is about Adapting to Cancer/ Reconstructive Surgery.
I’ve followed Kathryn’s blog on domestic violence for over a year. A former victim of abuse, she still carries the injuries– both mental and physical. This is Kathryn’s Domestic Violence Safety Plan:
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SAFETY PLAN
You Have a Right to be Safe.
SAFETY DURING AN EXPLOSIVE INCIDENT
A. If an argument seems unavoidable, try to have it in a room or area where you have access to an exit. Try to stay away from the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom or anywhere else weapons might be available.
B. Practice how to get out of your home safely. Identify which doors, windows, elevator, or stairwell would be the best.
C. Have a packed bag ready and keep it at a relative’s or friend’s home in order to leave quickly.
D. Identify one or more neighbors you can tell about the violence and ask that they call the police if they hear a disturbance coming from your home.
E. Devise a code word to use with your children, family, friends and neighbors when you need the police.
F. Decide and plan for where you will go, if you have to leave home (even if you don’t think you will need to.)
G. Use your own instincts and judgment. If the situation is very dangerous, consider giving the abuser what he wants to calm him down. You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
H. Always remember – YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE HIT OR THREATENED!
SAFETY WHEN PREPARING TO LEAVE
A. Open a savings account and/or credit card in your own name to start to establish or increase your independence. Think of other ways in which you can increase your independence.
B. Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents, extra medicines and clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
C. Determine who would be able to let you stay with them or lend you some money.
D. Keep the shelter or hotline phone number close at hand and keep some change or a calling card on you at all times for emergency phone calls.
E. Review your safety plan as often as possible in order to plan the safest way to leave your batterer. REMEMBER – LEAVING YOUR BATTERER IS THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME.
SAFETY IN YOUR OWN HOME
A. Change the locks on your doors as soon as possible. Give a copy to a trusted neighbor or family member.
B. Call the police if your partner breaks the protective order.
C. Think of alternative ways to keep safe if the police do not respond right away.
D. Inform family, friends, neighbors and your physical or health care provider that you have a protective order in effect.
- - - - -
If you are concerned about your safety or the safety of someone close to you, Kathryn’s blog has useful information. Although she struggles with injuries she received during her years of abuse, she tries to help others escape "The Trap of Domestic Violence."
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is about Hey UGLY.
Understanding the link between domestic violence and animal abuse, Maine became the first state to authorize judges to include animals in protection orders. Susan Walsh told Maine lawmakers how her ex-husband controlled her by destroying things she valued, including the turkeys and sheep on their 32 acre farm.
A vegetarian, Susan told of a time he killed all the young turkeys feeding in the blueberry bushes– he broke their necks, left them in a pile then told her to go pick blueberries. While she was visiting her parents with her two children, he ran over her blind, arthritic border collie in their driveway– as he’d threatened to do to the border collie and her other pets. He claimed later it was an accident. Susan wanted to leave the relationship. She knew she could possibly escape with the children and maybe even the dogs and cats, but knew her leaving was a death sentence to the other animals on the farm.
Since Susan Walsh began the fight to protect women and their animals, several states have passed legislation to include animals in domestic violence cases. Usually a judge can order a batterer to stay away from his wife and children, but the law doesn’t include the family pet– often that last noose the batterer has to keep the woman under control.
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of "Stress and Low Self-Esteem."
Ten years ago, a survey of women in a domestic violence shelter in Utah found the partners of 71% of the women had threatened, tortured or killed one or more of their animals. Studies over the last ten years confirm these original findings. In Atlanta, 107 battered women indicted for crime said their partner told them he would hurt their pets unless they joined them in the crime.
The man who bullies women often bullies and abuses the family pet. A controller may hide the car keys, forbid his partner from holding a job, or make it hard for her to visit family or friends– trying to isolate her from all but his world. Her dog or cat is often her only source of support, her only source of love. Often the abuser harms the animal as a way of telling her, "I can do the same to you or those you love."
If a domestic violence shelter won’t take them in, women escaping an abusive relationship can end up living with their pets in their car. Domestic violence shelters are now partnering with animal welfare agencies to create foster homes for pets caught in the middle of the violence.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and concerned a family pet might be in danger, the Humane Society of the United States has a list of Safe Haven programs. If you are concerned about pets and domestic violence, contact your local program. There may be a way you can help both abused women and abused pets. If there is not a Safe Haven for pets in your county and you care about those loyal unfortunate pets who bring so much love and comfort into our lives, maybe you need to be the one to start that Safe Haven program.
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, has a guest post by a breast cancer survivor.
It's time for a break from domestic violence. We'll catch up with the topic again next week. I received the following from a reader named Charm. If you have something that's irritating you, shout it out!
"There is never an age when it is O.K. to be made to feel like the " invisible woman'-- an invalidated non-presence wandering like a ghost among so-called "more with it " persons. But it seems, at a certain age, we are automatically perceived as brain dead, senile, or an almost different species. Therefore, to be patronized and suddenly known only by vague, supposedly nice nicknames as sweetie, dear, darlin', etc.--all but patted on the heads to pacify us into not speaking our minds, voicing opinions, or just plain pointing out the errors of AT&T customer service persons and bank managers who mess our accounts up, etc. They cannot register that they are often inefficient and want to blame our fuzzy, foggy minds for their errors. Doctors are also very good at this and mostly speak of any woman over 65 in the 3rd person when discussing her health with a nurse or family member even though she is in the same room. Being ill in body does not mean ill in mind. When will they get it?
Oh yeah-before I sign off- you administrators of senior residence complexes- PLEASE take some more courses on how to relate to women seniors, especially. We do have the right to be on the planet as much as anybody else. Maybe more!"
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of self-esteem.
Pets can be innocent victims of domestic violence. Abusers often use pets as pawns to keep a victim from leaving an abusive relationship. "Reasons given by abused women for not leaving an abuser are sometimes not only because of the children, but also a beloved family pet," says Mary Bushnell of the St. Louis Pets Examiner. "Pets in a household of violence play a major role in the children’s lives. Children cling to the one thing in the home that offers unconditional love. Unfortunately, in a physically abusive home, the family pet’s life expectancy is about two years. Many times, in cases of sexual abuse, the abuser threatens the child’s pet if the child reports the abuse."
According to the American Humane Society, "A survey of pet-owning families with substantiated child abuse and neglect found that animals were abused in 88 percent of homes where child physical abuse was present...women seeking shelter at a safe house showed that 71 percent of those having pets affirmed that their partner had threatened, hurt or killed their companion animal."
Nearly all states have felony-level penalties for animal cruelty. Several states require veterinarians to report suspected animal abuse. Many domestic violence shelters recognize the connection between pets and domestic violence and offer safe havens for pets. There are "over 100 safe haven programs currently operating around the United States, many domestic violence victims no longer have to choose between their safety and their pets," says the Humane Society of the United States. If you are interested in learning more about how you can help with this sad link between domestic violence and pet abuse, contact the Humane Society at their toll free number and learn more about their First Strike campaign.
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of self-esteem.
Actress Keira Knightley has filmed a public service video on domestic violence. The "Atonement" star donated her time to help Women’s Aid.
While we may question Rihanna’s return to Chris Brown, their abuse scandal has made people talk about domestic violence. Watching this video is disturbing. Domestic violence is disturbing. It’s time we talk about domestic violence and admit it can happen to anyone– your daughter, your friend, or the little lady down the street.
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of self-image.
According to CAEPV, "more than 1 in 5 employed adults in the U.S. were victims of domestic violence. And 64% of these indicated their work was significantly impacted." The Center for Disease Control says this workplace domestic violence causes an estimated $723 million annual loss in workplace productivity and $5.8 billion in healthcare costs.
On September 25, 2007, Safework 2010 launched "It’s Time to Talk Day" to encourage corporate leaders to acknowledge the impact of domestic violence on the workplace and take action. Launched by CAEPV member Liz Claibourne Inc., "It’s Time to Talk" encouraged CEOs to sign this pledge:
Safework 2010 Pledge: I am committed to addressing the issue of domestic violence in the workplace. I recognize that domestic violence impacts my employees, my company and my business. Therefore, I pledge to take action, lead change, and raise awareness as a member of Safework 2010.
Each company joining The Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence (CAEPV) can enact the pledge as they see fit. Membership Benefits include customized education and prevention programs and networking opportunities with other members. There is no financial commitment.
Many local corporations including The Allstate Corporation and Avon Products, Inc. have joined the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence. If your company is not listed on CAEPV’s Membership List and you are concerned about workplace violence and would like to start a program where you work, contact Kim Wells, Executive Director.
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of Women's Jobless Benefits.
To help prevent domestic violence, Verizon Wireless has collected over 5 million previously used wireless phones through their HopeLine program. Verizon Wireless, another member of the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence (CAEPV), either refurbishes or recycles these no-longer-used wireless phones.
Since its beginning in 1995, Hopeline has provided more than 60,000 wireless phones with more than 180 million minutes of free wireless service to domestic violence victims and donated more than $5 million to domestic violence shelters and organizations nationwide.
Verizon Wireless accepts wireless phones from any manufacturer or any service provider. Funds raised from the sale of these refurbished phones are used to purchase new phones and air time for victims of domestic violence who are often cut off from family and friends by a controlling abuser. Reliable communication allows these women to continue relationships with family and friends, find safe housing, seek a job, or contact law enforcement. HopeLine phones are distributed through shelters or social service agencies. Used phones may be dropped off at any Verizon Wireless store even if the phones are broken. If they cannot be repaired, parts will be recycled and the funds used for non-profit domestic violence shelters and agencies.
If you’d like to begin a HopeLine phone drive where you work, contact Hopeline. Verizon Wireless will provide posters and donation boxes and have a local representative help you.
Verizon Wireless is just one of many corporations who have joined the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence (CAEPV). The blog of Kim Wells, Executive Director of CAEPV is a permanent link on Wednesday’s Woman. If your company is not listed on CAEPV’s Membership List and you would like to start a program where you work, contact Kim Wells, Executive Director. Domestic violence is "Everybody’s Business."
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of bankruptcy.
When a celebrity like Rihanna Fenty suffers from domestic abuse, the media leaps on the story. She’s young, pretty, talented. Not the bedraggled mother of many suffering in the shadows. The bad part– it happened. The good part– we have to admit it happened. When I write about domestic violence, I receive many more emails than comments– even anonymous comments. I have to guess there’s a feeling of shame. I allowed myself to be a victim for many years. I left when I got pushed to the wall and knew it was leave or die.
My local paper today picked up an article by Leonard Pitts, Jr., a columnist for the Miami Herald: Note to Rihanna: Love Yourself, Don’t go Back. Pitts himself lived with an abusive father.
He tells us when he was around 7, his father came home begging forgiveness.
"'Dad, I want you to come home," I wailed.
"I want to," he said, "but your mother won’t let me."
So naturally, I turned on her. "Mom why won’t you let Dad come home?'"
His mother took her abuser back and he continued to "beat her on a regular basis until the day, about eight years later, terminal cancer rendered him too sick and weak to do so."
From this pain in his background, Pitts writes from his heart this Note to Rihana. There is no way I can pull out parts of his story and do it justice. Please read his story. If you’re staying in an abusive relationship for the children, the memories and guilt will follow them the rest of their lives.
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of finances.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things
that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said because
he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary of any special day.
Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn’t believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today,
and it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day.
Last night he beat me up again, and it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids?
What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry. Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night he finally killed me. He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered the courage and strength to leave him.
I would not have gotten flowers today.
- - - - - - -
This is a very old poem– so old, I'm unsure who wrote it.
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of Emotional Abuse.
Domestic violence has always been around. Control freaks have always been around. If you feel like this, you are living with a controller:
"Do you want me to say it’s funny, so you can contradict me and say it’s sad? Or do you want me to say it’s sad so you can turn around and say no, it’s funny?"
–Edward Albee
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of Love and Money.
If you’re reading this because you’re living with domestic violence, you might wonder how you got in this domestic abuse situation in the first place. If you’ve been a domestic violence victim before, maybe you’re wondering, "Why do I always end up an abuse victim?"
In his article, "When Love is a Four-Letter Word", Roger Melton says, "beware of men who feel like lost puppies. If you experience an urge to take him home and feed him, don’t- especially if you are in an emotionally needy state...In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion for whatever painful plight he has gotten himself into, because he is a master at portraying himself as the ‘victim of circumstance.’...He is always being betrayed, just when he starts trusting people. But there is something ‘special’ about you, because you ‘really know me.’...You will feel elevated, adored- almost worshiped."
According to Melton, "Once he has successfully candied his hook with adoration...his interest becomes your exclusive interest in him...your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate him, but only when they focus on his problems...That’s why, if you confuse pity with love, you’ll believe you’re in love with him. Especially if your maternal instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your ‘motherly code." Melton says, "The world ails him. Physical complaints are common...He is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. He can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye...but after every emotional Vesuvius he pleas for your mercy."
Melton tells us you may have seen the hateful part of the controller before but you will not "see it in full, acidic bloom until he feels he has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion...the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see...but in his mind it always seems to be very clear. To him, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe- or ‘the way you’re looking at me,’ - he will always justify his rage by blaming you for ‘having to hurt you.’...Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous."
A controller’s rage may remain verbal or, "you might be ducking a lot of dishes, glasses and other breakables, or the occasional airborne frying pan or flying cutlery set. But do not deceive yourself into believing that he is not directly aiming any of these missiles at you. Sooner or later one of them will ‘just happen’ to hit you-or the kids, the cat or dog. And his excuse will be, ‘It was an accident,’ or ‘I didn’t mean to hit you,’ or the ever-classic ‘Why didn’t you duck?’"
"If you sense any explosion coming, or one has already begun, leave. Do not try to ‘reason him out of it. Immediately grab the kids, cats and dogs and get out now. Don’t worry about what the neighbors or anyone else will think if he chases you outside."
"When Love is a Four-Letter Word" can be found online. I've had trouble finding online sources for other information by Roger Melton but his bio says he is a clinical-coordinator at the Valley Trauma Center/North in Santa Clarita, California and an Editorial Advisor for OBGYN.net.
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on The Secret Currency of Love.
Many victims of domestic violence are living with Controllers who charm then harm. These domestic violence controllers manipulate because they feel entitled to hurt people.
According to Roger Melton, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles, California, "Every controlling-type man wants power, but he must feel it to know he has it. Inflicting control, and witnessing someone being controlled, is how he succeeds at sensing power. Loss of control equals powerlessness." These controllers "cannot tolerate much tension, which is why their actions tend to be irrational and impulsive...externally imposed change is threatening, because it reminds them that the world is not under their control." They find it "extremely difficult or completely impossible to shift gears
when a new situation develops.
At his core, every Controller is monumentally self-centered. He is not just on an ego trip. He is on an expedition. In his mind, everyone orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants he should have, simply because he wants it. He needs no other justification. Seeing himself as the center of everyone else’s universe, he is blind to the fact that anyone else’s wants or needs are more important than his own. Doggedly locked into this self-image of grand, "godlike" proportions, he may literally feel entitled to other’s worship."
Melton tells us controllers may not be physically or sexually abusive, but they are masters at "inflicting psychological, emotional and spiritual damage on others...All types of Controllers capitalize on manipulating that part in anyone which lacks self-esteem. Essentially, they feed off our uncertainties about our selves. Find that shy, heart-broken or traumatized part of yourself and make friends with it."
Do you know someone who always picks at other’s weak spots– those scabbed over wounds that never heal? That’s a controller. If he’s sucked you in– beware! If you’ve let him into your life, each pick, pick, pick at your wound followed by that charming smile will suck your self-worth. Do you really have to lose who you are sinking deeper into depression day by day to build up his self-centered arrogance?
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of stalking.
If you’re living with domestic violence, you’re living with a control freak. When something goes wrong in his world, he needs someone safe to blame and you’re the target. He vents his anger on you or one or more of the children.
The following is from an article by Roger Melton, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles, California:
"Unlike men that can honestly struggle with their own uncertainties and confusions about a relationship, and recognize the part they play in creating problems and conflicts, there are other kinds of men that see love as a game and you as their pawn. In this cruelly covert contest, cunning is their watchword, deception is their fix, and control is their high.
Just as addicts are unrelenting in pursuit of making the next score, these kind of men are unyielding in their hunt for women that they can deceive and manipulate. Unlike emotionally sound men and women, who respect others as much as they do themselves, controlling-men respect no one. To them, people are things. And things can be used.
These "Controllers" use words as deceptive tools. Applying charm’s anesthetic to deaden the pain, they perform emotional-heart-surgery with crude precision. And young women can make the most vulnerable targets for a Controller’s manipulative scalpel.
While the harm most of these men inflict is emotional and psychological, there are those among them with a more dangerous twist, who feed off their victims’ souls the way a leech drains the blood of its prey: drop by drop. These are the captivating vampires, whose devious masks conceal every woman’s worst nightmare-the terrifying face of a future batterer or stalker.
To these violent men, control is like oxygen. Every sign of submission from others is like the breath of life, falsely confirming their delusion that only brute force affirms their worth. Failing to dominate a woman triggers loose a choking fear in these men, which they cannot face. That hidden fear is the truth that threatens their common delusion of godlike invincibility and exposes them as frightened little men, terrified of everyone and everything, including their own guilt. But guilt, for them, is intolerable.
They twist responsibility for their cruel actions away from themselves and lay it onto their victims. Their domineering maneuvers are magically excused in their minds. They project their own selfish, manipulative and deceptive defects of character onto the very people they harm, while persistently and vigorously proclaiming themselves as blameless."
Roger Melton says, "Almost every woman will encounter at least one of these control-obsessed men in her lifetime, whether his method of control is limited to emotional manipulation or extends into physical intimidation." If you are living with a "Controller" maybe it’s time to think about how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of Sexual Harassment.
If you’re living with domestic violence, you’ve learned to live with that ache in your gut and your heart pounding when you know he’s ready to attack you or the kids verbally or physically. You tell yourself, "I can handle the stress until the kids are a little older." Or, "I can handle the stress until I hide away a little more money." But what about your physical health?
According to"Mind/Body Health: Stress:" an article in Health Tips A to Z, "That old saying that stress ‘ages’ a person faster than normal was recently verified in a study of women who had spent many years caring for severely ill and disabled children. Because their bodies were no longer able to fully regenerate blood cells, these women were found to be physically a decade older than their chronological age.
Feelings of despair that accompany stress can easily worsen into chronic depression, a condition that can lead you to neglect good diet and activity habits. This, in turn, can put you at a greater risk for heart disease, obesity, and kidney dysfunction...
A Swedish study found that women who have suffered heart attacks tend to have poorer chances of recovery if they are also experiencing marital stressors such as infidelity, alcohol abuse, and a spouse’s physical or psychiatric illness."
That man who abuses you is not worth ten years off your life, those extra pounds, or a heart attack.
Molly Brown, DMS
Stress caused by domestic violence causes abuse victims to suffer from PTSD– Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This stress can cause fatigue, headaches, and gastro-intestinal problems as well as fear, anger, guilt, and anxiety.
According to "The Effects of Traumatic Stress", an article in Health Tips A to Z:
"About one in 10 women will develop PTSD symptoms during their lifetime or double the rate for men because they are much more likely to be victims of domestic violence, rape or abuse...
Traumatic stress can cause you to lose concentration, forget things, or have trouble sleeping. It may be difficult to determine on your own whether these symptoms are because you do not feel well physically or because you are still upset. Traumatic stress also can lead you to eat in unhealthy ways or to eat foods that are not healthy, and those eating patterns can affect how you sleep or how your stomach feels. Stress can cause headaches, but the pain from headaches can also make your stress worsen."
If you choose to continue living with domestic violence, your health will suffer. Stress can shorten your life.
Molly Brown, DMS
My other blog on the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Lyn's Circle, is on the topic of your relationship with money.
